[SA:MP] The good ol' DPD Operations Manual

[KhornateMonkey]

I found this from quite a while back! Remember, if you ever need any help, you can always check the manual! This is the manual that every DPD officer had to know and use out in the field, enjoy your reading!

DPD Operations Manual
Your handy guide to being an effective Sheriff of the countryside!
Authorised by Sheriff Jcstodds

Section I: Public Relations

First Aid
  Every month, a man in Red County will shoot his brother over who's turn it is sleeping with their sister. A black guy in Los Santos will shoot a white guy over a fake watch, and an Illegal Mexican will brave the borders and end up in Las Venturas, cleaning casinos for a large Russian immigrant organisation. Along the lines of everyday life, someone will get hurt, and you will need to be prepared.

Situation: A man with low health approaches you in ragged clothes. He mumbles something about change.
Solution:He has obviously been attacked by the Yeti and is turning into one. Quarantine him immediately and begin a county wide hunt for the yeti. If the Yeti has been captured, we learned from King Kong that bringing uncontrollable beast into a city is an awesome idea. Drop the Yeti off near LSPD somewhere and watch from a distance. 

Situation: You encounter a man who is screaming and shouting that he has been shot.
Solution: Obviously, the guy who shot him in the first place didn't do his job well. Shoot again, and finish the job. Then shoot the guy who shot the first guy. Shooting is fun.
Solution: Using the DPD first aid kit as a bludgeoning weapon, a series of successive strikes to the head will render the person unconscious. This is a practical anaesthetic when the person is being a sissy. Especially if it them folks from the city- they just don't shut up! If it looks bad and no medics are around you may offer to kill them out of mercy. Ask them this before you bludgeon them. To late? Assume no answer means 'no'. If you absolutely have to take him to the hospital, there is lots of space in the trunk. You don't want any blood on your shiny collection of guns, which are under or on the seats.   
Solution: Whiskey is a well known antiseptic. If you have any, drink it, it will help you think of a plan.


City Folk:
  It is inevitable you will encounter the city folk now and again. The city police are known for getting lost from time to time. You can find them patrolling in fields, wondering why their car is upside down, becoming confused at the sight of a wooden fence- and thus attempting to conquer the fence by repeatedly shouting the same thing down the megaphone. A common misconception amongst the city folk are that we country people are foul smelling, unintelligent rednecks. Be sure to show them your grade E in your high school nascar studies. That will shut them up.
 
Situation: A freecop has pulled you over for speeding or some other arbitrary reason, even though you are in your police Ranger.
Solution: If you don't have much time, do a U-turn and run over their car. Then try to evade them in a police chase where you attempt every jump and stunt you see, they will be to busy admiring your driving and crash into another cop. Alternatively...
  Free cops are the elite special forces of the city police. Be sure to do everything they say, or they will swarm. They detect you by movement and speaking quickly confuses them. Move slowly and speak slowly, or they might frenzy. Comply with them fully and don't resist is the best advice.

Situation: A city policeman has approached you. You notice he has a moustache.
Solution: Never trust a man with a moustache.
Solution: At the very least, be wary of a man with a moustache. The bigger it is, the more weary you should be. Put your hands up slightly, say nothing, and slowly back away. Don't break eye contact and don't turn to run. This might be seen as a mating ritual by the moustached man... and bad things will happen. Freecops with moustaches are considered normal.

Situation: 72 Gvardia mobs are killing all cops in state, and you are the only one cop remaining.
Solution: Patrol Bone County
Solution: Ask yourself if your being paid enough. Demand a raise. Quit job, join mob for better healthcare and pension schemes.

Situation You are stuck with 9 i9 members surrounding you
Solution: Bring a good quality lube for this situation. Engine oil works too.
Solution: PM ID Yes or No if you would like them to f**k OFF!

Situation: Camera caught you speeding while on duty.
Solution: Destroy the camera and say it was a mistake.
Solution: Go faster next time so they can't catch you.
Solution: They only track cars on the road... right? Drive on the pavement at all times.
Solution: Hire 6 construction workers and 4 electricians. Close off the road, dig holes and cut local power. Rig a van full of explosives next to the camera to detach it from the ground. Blame on gas leak. Drop camera from Sherman Dam.

Situation: You have been pulled over by a supermoustache, such as LSPD Captain Vincent Vice for speeding.
Solution: Obviously, you do not need this on your record. When Captain Vice approaches you, salute him with a "German Greeting" or "Hitler Greeting." If this does not persuade him into letting you go, make fun of every race you can think of, but not the white people. Black jokes earn you extra points. If you are black yourself, look to solutions above.

Situation: A city boy stops you, screaming that he got his look-at-my-SUV-that-can't-handle-off road-terrain stuck.
Solution: First of all, tell him how big of a pussy he is. Secondly, repeat the first. He may not have understood you the first time. Then stare at him, and don't say a word. Eventually he will say something, then you tell him: 'DONT INTERRUPT ME, FANCY CITY BOY'. If he says 'sorry', repeat the first. Ask his off road permit. If he has one, he's lying. NOBODY NEEDS AN OFF ROAD PERMIT, nothing more manly then driving your 5 MPG truck in some dirt! To end, burn his Barbie Car and show him some true driving!

Situation: You are held at gunpoint by a gangster trying to steal your money/whiskey/hooker.
Solution: Warn the man politely that guns are dangerous and are not toys. Remind him that he could hurt himself.
Solution: Aim your shovel/sword/pool cue at his face and try to steal HIS money/whiskey/hooker. See how he likes it.
Solution: If SFPD give him the money/whiskey/hooker as your health costs are more than your annual salary.
Solution: If more than 1 gangster, ask who is the boss/ who should recieve the items. Then say you only have one, and try get them to fight each other.


Section II: Law and order in the Countryside and Desert

General Crime
  The countryside and desert are home to outcasts, criminals, bikers, hicks and anyone not smart (or stupid) enough to be in the cities. Many are dangerous, some are harmless, but we must be fair to everyone and let justice lead our hearts, and not money. Money  leads to corruption of the soul. Any money found must be immediately given to the Captain. You don't want a corrupted soul, do you?

Scenario: A civilian overtakes you when you are driving normally in the city at 140km/h.
Solution: You must overtake him to regain your honour. Chase him down until you overtake him!
Solution: If you are a true Sheriff, you should anticipate his overtake. Switch lanes and ram him off the road. No one overtakes a Sheriff. If his car blows up, serves him right. Continue with patrol.

Scenario: Your being chased by other cops because you were speeding for no reason.
Solution: Drive off road, there is no speed limits then. The pursuers will probable blow up anyway. In the city? Drive on the pavement. That's off road, right?
Solution: Pull over, then proceed to reverse/ drive over the squad car and park (on their car). Explain that you were responding to a matter of utmost importance, before remarking that you didn't see their car before parking on it.
Solution: Claim in the police radio the cops chasing you have mutinied against SAPD and claim they are corrupt cops. Hire a number of freecops to fight them for justice (and money).
Solution: Continue with the chase until your car eventually gives way. Use superior DPD driving skills to continually 'own' the pursuing cops.

Situation: Some stupid terrorist wants to kill you by blowing his heli onto you.
Solution: Shoot his helicopter till it blows. In these here parts, the only god that people should be blowing themselves up for... IS YOU!

Situation: You accidentally kill an ethnic minority suspect that was unarmed.
Solution: Get your wallet out, make sure your hunting license is still valid. Notify a taxidermist.
Solution: Put it on show in hope that it will attract the rest of their pack, hide in a tree with a scoped rifle and wait.
Solution: Claim he was an illegal immigrant, trying to undermine society with communist ideals.
Solution: Reflect on your actions. He could have been doing up your house and building you a porch for pennies. Damn.

Scenario: Someone is outside of the PD with a large gun, shooting birds, cans and wild animals.
Solution: Admire his gun, maybe he will let you have a go? Shooting is not a major crime around these here parts, unless it's at another human or at the PD's property. Shooting cans and wild animals is considered official police training. Maybe we should point that guy to this website?

Scenario: Someone pisses on your large, manly PD Ranger whilst you are parked up.
Solution: Get out. Aim. Shoot one of his legs off. Shooting his man parts is considered homosexual. If you shoot his man parts because you used a shotgun, the said parts are treated as collateral, and you can fill out the forms.

Situation: You were kidnaped by a group of 3 qualified nerds, they stole your radio, hat, guns, cbradios, pants, shirt, shoes, underwear, glasses.
Solution: Answer correctly their math questions, if you are not able to do it, just say they need a new anti acne product, then, guide them to a drugstore, buy sedatives instead of anti acne product, then apply at them. get your stuff out then run.
Solution: Say that you are Star Wars/ Star Trek fan and you play RPG. They will then start to cast spells on each other fighting over which is better. You can use this time to escape. (WARNING: Do not say you are a Star Wars AND a Star Trek fan. All will frenzy and attack you with Harry Potter edition lightsabers.
Solution: Claim you are a level 99 Warlock king that has the power to enlarge any persons penis. Barter for your freedom.

Scenario: You have caught someone speeding in a supercar, they have pulled over for you.
Solution: You ask the driver to step outside for a word. Ask him how fast he was going. Bet him $50 you can go faster, and tell him you will let him off with a warning if he lets you have a drive. If you trash the car, ah well, at least he doesn't get speeding ticket.

Situation: You spot a prostitute offering her services to you in the street.
Solution: This is illegal, but then again, look at those hooters! Tell her to perform a dance on your Rangers bonnet whilst you patrol. The woman is much more better to look at than the road in front. Everyone will want to patrol with you.

Situation: You have locked yourself inside your patrol car. A black man is approaching the car to help you.
Solution: You thought you weren't going to have to break the window to get out, you were scared that you would get in trouble for that. Well, now you have an excuse to break the window. Pull your service pistol out and shoot the man, claim that he was trying to force his way into your vehicle.


Special Crime
  The countryside and deserts are favoured by many criminals, for the rough terrain, inaccessibility and remoteness. To counter, you must be as tough as the land. We must be as unrelenting as the desert sun and must be as wise as the Shaman who lives in a Teepee in Valle Olcultado.

Situation: There is a suspicious guy on a field known for cultivating illegal control substances.
Solution: Set the field on fire.
Solution: Investigate what the man is doing. He may have a legitimate reason for being there. Suspicion is grounds for quickly searching the person. If he does not want to comply you can take to the station for further questioning and searches. If you cannot be bothered to either search or fill any paperwork out, dump him in Sherman reservoir or something. Anything he might have had on him is now soggy and salty. Haha.

Situation: A man you know has drugs is failing to hand them over. A quick pat down reveals nothing.
Solution: If you have little time, give him maximum jail time in Big Gay Al's prison cell.
Solution: The man is obviously hiding the drugs inside his ass. Tell him you will begin a cavity search. This can be done by the road side, in a questioning room in a PD, or you could even make it a public event. Put on your rubber gloves, any will do, usually found lying about under a seat or in the boot. Gardening gloves are clean enough. If there is no proper lubricant available, use engine oil/ grease. Soak your gloved hands. Shout: "Hands up! Pants Down!" Get some officers to pull down his pants and pin the man against a car bonnet/ wall/ floor. You are then ready to go. By now, you might want to announce your intentions in an advertisement, since everyone can see how a cavity search works. Usually the man might be willing to cooperate by this point. Tally-ho, punch your hand up there and give it a little search round. If you find nothing still, ah well, unlucky.
  If the man does not comply with the search full stop, you might want to use a sword or hunting knife. 

Situation: You are an Undercover unit trying to catch a black cop breaking a rule. He catches you and gets mad at you.
Solution: Shoot and kill him. Unholster his duty weapon and place it in his hands, while wearing gloves, this will block any fingerprints you could leave on the weapon. This will surely incriminate him during an investigation, if being black has not already done so.
Solution: Round up your Klan. Torture him. Then kill him. You will need a proper burial place, use the hill behind Dillimore PD. You know, the one we use to bury dead babies, terrorists, and our unfit house wives. Thank god we marry our daughters in case of situations like that..... Oh, back to the burial instructions..... We have graves pre-dug for situations like this, graves are at the standard 6 feet. Also, artificial grass should be on hand at ALL TIMES. When you place the dirt in the hole, cover it with artificial grass so it does not look to suspicious. Place a sign that says: "WARNING: GROWING WATERMELONS IS STRICTLY PROHIBITED. RISK OF ZOMBIE."


Police Ethics
  Being a sheriff means that as a role model to society you must use your powers for good and be good with your responsibilities. To keep from becoming a corrupt, deluded monster, a liquid called whiskey was invented to maintain balance within the Countryside and Desert.

Situation: You are caught fondling an underage girl whilst on duty. Captain J.C. Stoddlesworth catches your dumb-ass. Why didn't you call him first? He is angry you left him out.
Solution: Tie her up, put her in the backseat. Bring Captain J.C. Stoddlesworth along with you. Once you are in a secluded place, forced DP. You will probably getting a promotion for sharing your newly found slab of underage poontang. *Note: Only family members can be acceptably fondled whilst on duty.

Situation: You are in the middle of a shootout,only you and your partner,and you dont have any cover.
Solution: Use your partner as cover(depending of who is),grab his arm tightly and put him in your front. Shoot the criminals by aiming them through your partner's arm. Your partner will probably end up in coma in a Hospital but at least you'll probably have already killed all the criminals. The only person who you cant even think in do such thing is the Sheriff J.C.Stoddlesworth. If you are in a shootout only with The Sheriff J.C.Stoddlesworth,avoid doing that and find a cover yourself,if you try to use him as cover he will slice off your arm with his Katana when attempting to grab his arm,and after the shootout he will tie you up and throw you in the water at Sherman Dam.

Situation: Captain J.C. Stoddlesworth pulls you over for patrolling Dillimore while naked. What the f**k were you thinking?
Solution: First, you need to find an excuse as to why you have such a small penis. Then, after you have come up with a believable excuse (such as bitten off whilst wrestling buffalo, lacerated by mountain lions, fighting with cannibal homosexuals etc), as to why you are so poorly endowed, you can explain your situation. Say you were taking a nap with your window open, and that a lion that wasn't sleeping in the jungle like it should be, came at you and ate your clothes. If you have a hard-on, SIT ON IT. Captain J.C. Stoddlesworth does NOT want to see your fully erect penis. Should be inside your pants, or a woman at all times.

Situation: You have been caught having sex on a PD car while on duty
Solution: Give him a inflated doll, so he can't be alone. Tell him to attack criminals with it when he's finished.
Solution: Dress that sexy PD Ranger a nice colour. It's only natural for a real man to want to have sex with it.

 

[[R*]EliteTerm]

I sure remember this 

[Thomas_Crof]

Scenario: A civilian overtakes you when you are driving normally in the city at 140km/h.
Solution: You must overtake him to regain your honour. Chase him down until you overtake him!
Solution: If you are a true Sheriff, you should anticipate his overtake. Switch lanes and ram him off the road. No one overtakes a Sheriff. If his car blows up, serves him right. Continue with patrol.

This made me laugh so hard!

As well as the referance to Vince. I don't know where he got it from, but eventually everybody knew him as Chief Moustache. Really odd.

Scenario: Your being chased by other cops because you were speeding for no reason.
Solution: Drive off road, there is no speed limits then. The pursuers will probable blow up anyway. In the city? Drive on the pavement. That's off road, right?

Mr. C_R_Upton being resourceful here. Credits.

Scenario: Someone pisses on your large, manly PD Ranger whilst you are parked up.
Solution: Get out. Aim. Shoot one of his legs off. Shooting his man parts is considered homosexual. If you shoot his man parts because you used a shotgun, the said parts are treated as collateral, and you can fill out the forms.

Remind me of this, please.

If you have a hard-on, SIT ON IT. Captain J.C. Stoddlesworth does NOT want to see your fully erect penis. Should be inside your pants, or a woman at all times.

This is why I love Jcs so much. His creativity, careless about rules as long as it increases RP.
This man is worth more than all the money in the world. If you ever need an example of how to RP on ArgonathRPG, patrol with him just once. You'll learn so much that you will need four months of therapy to get it all in your brain. After that, you shall be an olympic champion in RP and you shall conquer in any RP situation.


Hail Mr. Todds!

[Def Perry]

hahahahahahahaha and this in 2009. Same shit repeats. Simply a genius.

[Anthrax]

Seems like policing has come a long way since those times

[Miyamoto Parker]

Wow 2009 (1989)  very long time but this is from DPD's old file ?.

[KhornateMonkey]

Wow 2009 (1989)  very long time but this is from DPD's old file ?.

Yes, this is what DPD used to be like day in and out

[Huntsman]

No wonder DPD wasnt much of a backup  . Sometimes i had the feeling it was there just for the lulz 

[Padres_Rosso]

Lmao 

This is f**king awesome!

[Jose F]

I mean, its Jcs after all 

 

[TinMan]

YEEEHAW! Sheriff TinMan 10-8

[Al_Svensson]

Thanks for this, it comes handy! 

Please, take a donut! 

[Cena44]

Not sure why, but every solution I read will mostly get me banned. 

[Gmail]

Holy crap I love this! I wish DPD still exsisted!

Situation: You are caught fondling an underage girl whilst on duty. Captain J.C. Stoddlesworth catches your dumb-ass. Why didn't you call him first? He is angry you left him out.
Solution: Tie her up, put her in the backseat. Bring Captain J.C. Stoddlesworth along with you. Once you are in a secluded place, forced DP. You will probably getting a promotion for sharing your newly found slab of underage poontang. *Note: Only family members can be acceptably fondled whilst on duty.

Situation You are stuck with 9 i9 members surrounding you
Solution: Bring a good quality lube for this situation. Engine oil works too.

Scenario: Your being chased by other cops because you were speeding for no reason.
Solution: Drive off road, there is no speed limits then. The pursuers will probable blow up anyway. In the city? Drive on the pavement. That's off road, right?

Scenario: You have caught someone speeding in a supercar, they have pulled over for you.
Solution: You ask the driver to step outside for a word. Ask him how fast he was going. Bet him $50 you can go faster, and tell him you will let him off with a warning if he lets you have a drive. If you trash the car, ah well, at least he doesn't get speeding ticket.

Whoever wrote this is a pure genius.

[Muntazir]

NICE one!!! but ..

[Gmail]

NICE one!!! but ..

what

[Swig]

Hahaha...  nice find, Monkey

[Leon Arallian]

This is gold.

[Muntazir]

Nothing..

[KhornateMonkey]

Hahaha...  nice find, Monkey

SWIG